.הדור נאה זיו העולם .נפשי חולת אהבתך .אנא קל נא רפא נא לה .בהראות לה נעם זיוך .אז תתחזק ותתרפא .והיתה לה שמחת עולם


Splendid, Beautiful, Radiance of the world, my soul is lovesick for You. I beseech You, O G-d, please heal her by showing her the pleasantness of Your radiance. Then she will be strengthened and healed, and she will have everlasting joy. (Yedid Nefesh)

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Wonderful New Year

Wishing everyone a year filled with all blessing, spirituality, growth, accomplishment, productivity, success, deep happiness, health, sustenance, beauty, peace, unity, harmony, serenity, redemption and loads and loads of love.

Kesiva ViChasima Tova(a good writing and sealing)!
A Gut Gebentched Yor(a good, blessed year)!
Shana Tova(Good new year)!

Kindred Spirit

Days of Love

The coming days are intense. Yes there is positive intensity. Rosh HaShana(Holiday of The New Year) is the birthday of the world. HaShem(G-d) is closer to us than any time of the year...

But (as you may have noticed), I have a problem of focusing on the negative. Day of judgment. Days of Teshuva(repentance). The final day to be forgiven. Repentant or not. Life or death. Who by sword. Who by fire. Who by plague.

It's scary. It's overwhelming. In simple terms, I freak out every year.

I spoke to the Doc about my major anxiety during these days. How I have done so much bad. I haven't done Teshuva. HaShem hates me. I don't deserve to live this year, but maybe I will because HaShem knows it is a greater punishment for me to live than to die.
He responded something like:

You have done your Teshuva. No guilt. This new year is your re-birth. You are right on the cusp, the verge, the precipice of your biggest breakthrough- SELF LOVE. He made you, He loves you. He wants you to love you and love Him. He sent you a Shaliach(messenger) to tell you this. Accept the love. Give the love. Focus on your relationship with Him. Love Him. You are awesome. And He loves you unconditionally anyways. He made you. He understands you and your struggles. I know this sounds radical, but it is true.

Whoa! Radical- yes. True- hard to believe.
I really do trust Him, but this was just so out of my realm of thought that I needed reassurance.
The good news was that I did have someone to ask. Yesterday I
reconnected with My Rebbi.

I asked him what he thought of the no guilt only love idea.

He responded that  he thinks it is right and true. How it is not a coincidence that Rosh HaShana is both Yom HaDin and the birthday of the world. How when HaShem looks at and judges us, He sees all that He created on this day. We are His hard work, and He looks at us with love (Like he did with Ninveh more than Yonah who hadn't created them and therefore been invested in them). How He looks at us in judgment on the day He created us because He looks at us as His creations whom He created with both the good and the bad, the struggles...And He has this in mind when He judges us.

I have the calm/happy/loving go ahead from the two people in the world I respect the most. Not bad.

HaShem has forgiven me.

 Yay! Now I just I need to forgive myself.

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Zaidy

Zaidy,
I looked up to you
Your strong, warm hands
Poured me cereal each morning
We bonded over Rice Krispies
And our dislike of pizza
You loved to listen to your music
You smiled as you heard me sing
You asked for an another encore
And hummed right along with me
Zaidy,
I look up to you
Your strong, warm hands
Embrace your Creator
You bond over good deeds
And mutual grandchildren
You love to listen to your music
Do you smile as I sing?
Do you ask for another encore?
And hum right along with me?
Zaidy,
I loved you
And love you
Please know that
Lokk down at me
Send me a hug
A nod that your listening
And I will keep singing
One more encore
So you can hum along

Monday, September 19, 2011

Bursting with Readiness

I have been neglecting this blog as of late. I have been pretty busy with work, exercise, therapy…

But the main reason that I haven’t shared what is going on in my life is because it is too private for the cyber-world.

The truth is that on a feeling scale of 1 to 10, I am at 11 and have been so for some time. This intense feeling provides pages worth of prose and poetry. Pages, just not for share.

What can I share?

The Doc says I am ready for marriage. Bursting with readiness.

So now I have to enter the dating world, one I am seriously dreading.

The Doc says my fears are normal, but my pain of loneliness is stronger, and so I have to take the plunge.

He says he will hold my hand every step of the way.

He will help me weed out the “bad guys” from the “good guys” in terms of prospective dates.

He will help me with preparation in terms of appearance, etiquette, role-playing etc.

He will help me with decisions, indecisions and more of that… I have a weakness for such stuff.

He will sit with me after each date to help me understand and explore my feelings and the relationship. Yes, after each date. When he said, “You won’t be doing it alone. I’ll be with you,” I said, “No you won’t. What? You are going to sit down with me after each date  to help me sort it out?” To which he replied, “Yes. I am committed to helping you get there. Whatever it takes.”

He really means the whatevers in whatever.

He is a Tzaddik(righteous person). But that’s old news.

Sunday, September 18, 2011

Give Me Your Heart

When you lose your grasp on reality
I'll hold it
When you stop out of defeat
I'll carry it
When you lose your path's way
I'll find it
When you wish that all would stop
I'll cherish it

Give me your heart
I'll keep it for you
Safe and whole
And full of love


Tuesday, September 13, 2011

My Awakening

My eyes of ignorance
Saw your arrogance
And looked at you with fear

My heart of anger
Sensed your power
And felt for you a hate

And now--

My eyes of brilliance
See your resilience
And look at you with awe

My heart of expansion
Senses your passion
And feels for you a love