.הדור נאה זיו העולם .נפשי חולת אהבתך .אנא קל נא רפא נא לה .בהראות לה נעם זיוך .אז תתחזק ותתרפא .והיתה לה שמחת עולם
Splendid, Beautiful, Radiance of the world, my soul is lovesick for You. I beseech You, O G-d, please heal her by showing her the pleasantness of Your radiance. Then she will be strengthened and healed, and she will have everlasting joy. (Yedid Nefesh)
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
But (as you may have noticed), I have a problem of focusing on the negative. Day of judgment. Days of Teshuva(repentance). The final day to be forgiven. Repentant or not. Life or death. Who by sword. Who by fire. Who by plague.
It's scary. It's overwhelming. In simple terms, I freak out every year.
I spoke to the Doc about my major anxiety during these days. How I have done so much bad. I haven't done Teshuva. HaShem hates me. I don't deserve to live this year, but maybe I will because HaShem knows it is a greater punishment for me to live than to die.
I asked him what he thought of the no guilt only love idea.
He responded that he thinks it is right and true. How it is not a coincidence that Rosh HaShana is both Yom HaDin and the birthday of the world. How when HaShem looks at and judges us, He sees all that He created on this day. We are His hard work, and He looks at us with love (Like he did with Ninveh more than Yonah who hadn't created them and therefore been invested in them). How He looks at us in judgment on the day He created us because He looks at us as His creations whom He created with both the good and the bad, the struggles...And He has this in mind when He judges us.
I have the calm/happy/loving go ahead from the two people in the world I respect the most. Not bad.
HaShem has forgiven me.
Yay! Now I just I need to forgive myself.
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Monday, September 19, 2011
Sunday, September 18, 2011
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Saw your arrogance
And looked at you with fear
My heart of anger
Sensed your power
And felt for you a hate
My eyes of brilliance
See your resilience
And look at you with awe
My heart of expansion
Senses your passion
And feels for you a love